<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>different shades of red by 4horsesatetheworld</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24675556">different shades of red</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/4horsesatetheworld/pseuds/4horsesatetheworld'>4horsesatetheworld</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fjord and Jester are there too but they also get kidnapped after like the first scene so, Gen, Kiri is very sweet and only there for a short time, Minor Body Horror, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Post Episode 24 canon divergence, Yes major character death but he gets better!!!, also some implied widomauk but not enough to tag, everyone thinks caleb is hot when he's not covered in dirt, fuck trent icky-thong, the backstory bits aren't too explicit but it's there so be aware, tw: caleb's backstory but now it's Worse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:27:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,190</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24675556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/4horsesatetheworld/pseuds/4horsesatetheworld</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Many years ago, three children went into a wizard's castle, and he ate their hearts.</p><p>Many years ago, Bren gave up his heart (literally) for power, and now Caleb Widogast is working with what remains. </p><p>Or, the residuum crystals were not the only body modifications that Trent Ikithon attempted on his Scourgers.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beauregard Lionett &amp; Caleb Widogast, Caleb Widogast &amp; Yasha, Nott &amp; Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein &amp; Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>179</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. ate his heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>content warning for Caleb's backstory in general, but with more non-consensual body modification. it's not especially explicit, but it is there, so please take care of yourselves. </p><p>also canon typical levels of violence, but it's not too explicit. Still fair warning.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was a fog over him, as Caleb struggled to come to consciousness. His eyes felt so heavy, and it took a few tries to open them. The light was so bright. But, once he managed to keep them open, there was a blue tiefling right in his face. </p><p>“Caleb!” Jester squealed, “Oh, I am so glad you are awake now. You were barely breathing when I healed you, and there was that massive scar across your chest which seems like it was made a long time ago, but still any cleric should have prevented the scarring. But then Beau said that it looks like the cuts they make on dead bodies, and –” </p><p>“Jester,” Fjord rumbled, pulling her away and giving hand to Caleb to help him reaching sitting position, “Let the poor man regain some of his wits before you start interrogating him.” </p><p>Finally sitting, Caleb looked around the room. Besides Fjord and Jester, there was only Kiri sitting on the other bed with Frumpkin in her lap. Caleb realized he was shirtless, but at least his arm wraps were still on. The deep laceration created by the spinning death machine and the hole where he had been impaled were closed, the skin only slightly inflamed. However, the pink Y-shaped scar that crossed his chest stood out on his pale skin. He felt the edges of it and a deep need to hide it away. </p><p>“Where are the others? Are they okay?” Caleb asked. </p><p>“There’s fine,” Fjord replied, “You gave us all quite a fright; this is the first time Nott has left your side in two days. Nott was getting… itchy, so Molly and Yasha went with her on a walk. Beau is trying to wrangle you up a new shirt and some provisions. They should be back soon.” </p><p>“Ja, okay. Is there any water or broth I might have?” </p><p>“Here’s some water, and I’ll go downstairs and see if I can’t rustle up some broth.” Fjord passed Caleb a mug of water and retreated out of the room. Caleb drank quietly, as Jester looked at him. She was full of questions. </p><p>“Jester, --”</p><p>“You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to Caleb, even if I am just dying to know. We don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, and Nott has threatened to stab anyone who is inconsiderate.”</p><p>Caleb chuckled. Nott was quite a good friend. </p><p>“Go fuck yourself. I killed people!” Kiri piped up, holding out her little dagger. Jester exclaimed, “Kiri has sworn to help Nott.” </p><p>“Thank you, Kiri.” Caleb paused. Part of him wanted very much to tell the group why he had the scars that he did. They were a good bunch, these friends, trustworthy. </p><p> Hupperdook would not be such a bad place to be left behind in. The woods would be cold this time of year, but Caleb had scraped by before. Even if Nott decided to stay with their new friends, Caleb would survive. He always had. There was still work to be done. And, maybe they would respond like Nott and Beau had. Maybe, despite all evidence that they should, they wouldn’t hate him.  </p><p>But it wasn’t like anyone could hate him more, than he already hated himself. Their loss, the loss of his friends, it would hurt, but he’d been hurt before, and it would – well, heal might not quite be the right word, but what’s one more ache in his heart? </p><p>“Caleb?” Jester asked softly, “Are you alright?”</p><p>“Oh? Ja, I’m fine. I’m only thinking. When the others get back, I will tell the story of how I got this scar.” Caleb rubbed at where the two forks connected over his sternum; he could feel the hollow not-beating under the bones. “Is there another blanket? Or a shirt I might borrow until Beauregard returns?”</p><p>“Oh, yes! You know you don’t need to put a shirt on for me, right? We had to give you a little bath to get all the blood off, and you’re really kind of handsome, you know? Under all the dirt.” </p><p>Jester passed him a shirt from what looked to be Mollymauk’s bag. </p><p>“Thank you, Jester.” Caleb blushed at the compliment and pulled the shirt over his head. While he and Mollymauk were similar in size, the tiefling definitely had a few inches on Caleb, so the sleeves dangled over his hands, almost covering the bandages around them. The style of shirt was also very different. It had a deep v down the front, leaving much of Caleb’s collarbones and sternum in the open, and the shirt was a much higher quality than anything Caleb had worn in a long time. There was the faint spell of lavender and patchouli. It was, admittedly, rather nice. </p><p>Fjord returned with broth and the others. Nott launched at him, her solid weight settling against his chest. She poked at him and wrapped him up tight in a hug. </p><p>“I’m okay, schatz. I’m ok. Not our best day, no?” Caleb whispered.</p><p>“I was so scared. You’re not allowed to die on me, Caleb Widogast,” Nott replied, squeezing him tight around the middle. She settled against his side, between him and the door.  </p><p>“Is that my shirt you’re wearing?” Mollymauk asked. </p><p>“Ja, Jester gave it to me. I’ll give it back once Beauregard gives me my new clothes.” </p><p>“Oh, uh, actually there were no stores that sold human sized clothes that I could find,” Beau said, with a glance at Mollymauk, “This bag only has pastries.” </p><p>“It’s fine. You can hold on to that shirt until we get back to Zadash. I have others.” Mollymauk shrugged, giving Beau a strange look that Caleb was too tired to decipher.  </p><p>“Thank you, Mollymauk,” Caleb said. Mollymauk shrugged again. He and Yasha leaned against one wall. Yasha made eye contact with Caleb. She spoke softly in Celestial, “We all have secrets. If this is one you would like to keep, I will keep them away.” </p><p>In Celestial, he replied, “No, this story deserves to be known. They deserve to know what they are working with.”</p><p>Yasha frowned. “We know who we are working with: Caleb Widogast, human, wizard. Your recent actions say more of you than whatever tragedy of your past gave you that scar.” </p><p>“Alright, can we stop speaking in a secret language, please?” Molly interrupted, “Not that it isn’t lovely, but I’m feeling a bit left out.”</p><p>Kiri shuffled over to Caleb and deposited Frumpkin in his lap. </p><p>“Thank you, Kiri.” </p><p>“Good egg, I think.”  </p><p>“Thank you, Kiri. I think it would be best if you left the room for a little bit, okay? I’m going to tell a story that is not for little ears, ja? Perhaps, Jester, could you settle her in one of the other rooms?” </p><p>“Sure, Caleb.” Jester and Kiri left the room, as Beauregard approached him. </p><p>“So, this scar, it has something to do with the story you told Nott and I?” she asked in a hushed voice. </p><p>“Yes, it does.”</p><p>“Ok. And you are sure you want to tell it?”</p><p>“Beauregard. I think the time of my secrets has come and past.” </p><p>“Ok.” She nodded and sat on the bed across from him, directly in his line of sight. It was a comfort, to look up and see her there. Beauregard, Caleb hoped, would be understanding. </p><p>“You will all likely want to sit,” Caleb said to the group. Nott nestled more into his side, as Mollymauk and Yasha made themselves comfortable on the floor. Fjord pulled up a chair to sit next to the foot of Beau’s bed. A silence fell over them, as they waited for Jester to return. The blue tiefling looked for a moment and sat near Fjord on the bed. Caleb looked at Beau. She nodded at him. </p><p>“You were right, Beauregard, that this is these are the cut made on dead bodies. The internal organs, they can be used in rituals, and the best way to get them is to open the chest cavity, break the ribs open and then carefully remove them. The lungs are the hardest to remove; they have to be severed above the sternum, but then pulled out under the ribs. In Rexxentrum, there are teams of clerics and wizards that study the body, learning its secrets. They’ve been able to open a man’s chest, remove metal shrapnel, and then heal him back up. The best clerics leave no scars.”</p><p>Caleb took a sip of broth before continuing. </p><p>“Trent Ikithon did not care whether we scarred or not. He only cared whether we were better, more powerful. He was my professor, my mentor at the Soltryce Academy, and there was nothing I craved more than his approval. It was me and two other students from my small town, learning under Ikithon. We did what was asked of us. We were meant to be great, the glory and grace of the Empire, her most fearsome defenders. </p><p>“And we were, for a time. Ikithon told us who were traitors and unleashed us upon them. We-- I have killed a lot of people. And I was strong. I had learned magic that wizards twice my age struggled with. Ikithon told me—told us that we were good. Good enough, we thought. We hoped. </p><p>“But one day, he came to us and he told us we could be better. We could be stronger, harder to kill. He could take away the pain. He let us look at the enchantment. Everything that he did we consented to. The spell was beyond any of us though we could identify runes of protection, strength, and healing, all to be etched into a contraption of rubies and diamond. There were, of course, runes and gems we could not identify, but we trusted him, and we wanted to be strong, to be good. So, we agreed. One by one, he strapped us to a table. With his favorite healer standing by, he opened us up and took our hearts. In their place, he left his enchanted metal and gems. Then, he sewed us back up and had us healed, and the next day we were back with our books and spells. </p><p>“I can remember perfectly Astrid and Eudwolf under his knives, the way they cried before the shock put them to sleep, the ways their lungs rose and fell and stilled before they began to rise and fall again. I can remember everything that happened to them in that surgical suite, but my memories end the moment I walked in the door to that room. This scar is my only true memory that it happened at all.” </p><p>Caleb touches it again, gently, at the place where the forks meet, right over his breastbone and the place where his heart should have been. Nott placed her small hand of his, and he looked down at her big, yellow eyes. She looked incredibly sad, and Caleb leaned down to press a small kiss to her forehead. She wrapped her arms around his middle. </p><p>“How old were you?” Fjord asked, looking vaguely nauseous. Caleb hummed, thinking. </p><p>“It was a few days after my sixteenth birthday. I was the youngest of us three, and I was very ready to be a man.” </p><p>There was a rustling, and Yasha stood, Magician’s Judge, sheathed but gripped in one hand. </p><p>“I would very much like to rage,” Yasha said, “To find Ikithon and tear him limb from limb.”</p><p>Caleb looked to her in surprise.  She looked angry, but her gaze was fixed at a point on the horizon as if she could see Ikithon from so far away and summon him here with the force of her anger. </p><p>“But, Caleb,” Jester said, “you are still so squishy. You take like one arrow, and you go down. Did it not work?” </p><p>“No, it worked, but when I—” Caleb glanced at Beau. “left, the ruby that powered the enchantment, it broke.” </p><p>“Oh Caleb! So, you have been walking around with a broken heart this entire time? That is so sad!” Jester scrambled over to him and wrapped him in a tight hug, squishing Nott in between them. “I am going to find this Icky-thong person, and we are going to kick his ass, and I am going to find his notes and get you a new ruby and I will fix you right up because I am the cleric and I will make sure it doesn’t scar this time because I am that much better, ok? And then you will have no broken heart and maybe you can stop being sad so much, ok? Ok. Yes. I will fix this.” </p><p>“Jester, --” </p><p>“Jester, darling, you are the most wonderful cleric, but I don’t think this is something that you, or really any of us, can fix,” Mollymauk said gently. Caleb nodded. </p><p>“It is ok, Jester,” he lied, “It will fix itself with time.”</p><p>Beau looked at him, and he knew she had caught the lie. Nott picked up Frumpkin and crawled into Caleb’s lap, placing Frumpkin on her lap so they sat like a nesting doll. Caleb placed a kiss on the small of her head. </p><p>“Caleb, I said it before, but once we get this job done for the Gentleman, we can go to Rexxentrum and kill Ikithon.”</p><p>“That would be a suicide mission, Beauregard.” </p><p>“I don’t know, I mean we killed the High Richter pretty well and thoroughly. How much harder could Ikithon be?”</p><p>“Much. I should rephrase. Just dying would be the best outcome we could hope for.” </p><p>“I just—I don’t like not being able to do anything about this.”</p><p>“Sorry, Beau that you can’t punch all of your problems.”</p><p>“Fuck you, Molly, I could still punch you.”</p><p>“You could try.” </p><p>Caleb closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, listening to the noise of his companions as they squabbled. With Nott still in his lap, he let the indistinct conversations lull him to sleep.   </p><p>…</p><p>When Caleb awoke next, he was horizontal in bed, Nott and Frumpkin curled up next to him and Beau snoring lightly on the other bed. It was a few minutes past two in the morning and even in Hupperdook, the parties had all died down, leaving only the faintest sound of machinery in the air. Caleb suddenly very much desired to see the moon. </p><p>Caleb carefully crawled out of bed, avoiding waking Nott. He snapped Frumpkin to his shoulder and quietly left the room. Standing in the hallway of the inn, he realized that he had no idea which way would take him. He was so drunk the last time he was here, and he didn’t think they were in the same room. He turned right on a whim. </p><p>At the end of the hallway, there was a set of stairs leading up, and as he followed them, he came upon what must have been a roof top bar, closed for the winter. He shivered in his thin, borrowed shirt and watched as some flakes of snow drifted in the night air. Frumpkin draped across his shoulders, allowing him a little more warmth. </p><p>“That shirt is not exactly meant for winter wear, Mr. Caleb.” Mollymauk came though the doorway, a blanket draped around his shoulders. The moonlight bathed the tiefling in white light, making his purple skin seem paler, like an amethyst twinkling in the light. Mollymauk held out an arm, extending the blanket. “Well, come on. Get in before you freeze.” </p><p>Caleb switched Frumpkin from his shoulder into his arms before ducking into the blanket. There was a fair amount of heat emanating from his comrade, and they became quite warm despite the outside chill. </p><p>“Thank you, Mister Mollymauk,” Caleb whispered. Mollymauk hummed in response, drawing Caleb closer to him. The moonlight, the cold, and the quiet breathing made everything feel fragile, as if any sudden action would break the world into a million pieces. Their breaths made tiny clouds in the air, drifting off toward the stars. </p><p>“So, your heart,” Mollymauk began softly, very distinctly not looking at Caleb, “It won’t actually heal itself will it? You lied to Jester.”</p><p>“Ah, ja, I did. You are quite perceptive.”</p><p>“Never try to bullshit a bullshitter, darling.” Mollymauk let out a breath, and they watched it spiral away. “What does that mean for you then? To be walking around with no heart and a broken enchantment? Will it kill you?”</p><p>Caleb released a breath. Then another. He looked at the moon. </p><p>“To be honest, Mr. Mollymauk, I don’t know. I could figure it out, if I had the books and the time. But that would take time away from my other work, and to be honest with you, I don’t want to. It is not that I want to die; no, I am too much of a coward for that. But I have no choice in the matter.” </p><p>“We all have choices. I, for one, would choose to die spectacularly in battle, saving a friend, or perhaps I will just pass away, warm and in bed in the arms of someone who loves me, though I don’t think that’s very likely.” </p><p>“I don’t think either of those are very likely for me.” </p><p>“But if you could choose, how would you want to die?”</p><p>Caleb hummed again, turning to look at Mollymauk. His face was turned towards the moon, awash in silver light. Handsome, ethereal almost. Caleb leaned into him and his warmth. </p><p>“After I finish my work, I think I will just lie down in a field and not get back up again.” </p><p>“That actually sounds rather nice. Just sleep forever beneath an open sky.” </p><p>Mollymauk leaned into Caleb, and they just let their breaths synchronize, as the moon and stars passed overhead. Twenty minutes passed in comfortable, crystalline silence, before Mollymauk’s head began to droop, sleep overcoming him. Caleb shook him awake. </p><p>“Come, Mister Mollymauk, we best get inside before either of us freeze,” Caleb whispered, “Come, to bed with you.” </p><p>“If you wanted to get me into bed, Mister Caleb, all you have to do is ask.” </p><p>“I am asking. Come on then.” </p><p>Mollymauk chuckled, and together they descended back into the warmth of the inn. Frumpkin remained asleep in Caleb’s arms. </p><p>In front of the door to Caleb and Nott’s room, Mollymauk stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. </p><p>“Your heart may be broken, my friend, but from what I have seen, it is still good.” </p><p> Caleb let out a huff. Perhaps Mollymauk was not as perceptive as he seemed. Caleb’s heart had not been good in quite some time. He looked up at Mollymauk, who just gave him a sad smile and a light kiss on the forehead. </p><p>“Good night, Mister Caleb.” </p><p>“Guten Nacht, Mister Mollymauk.” </p><p>…</p><p>The next morning, Caleb allowed Nott to fuss over him and Beauregard to, well not fuss exactly but, hover over him, betraying how worried she actually was. She handed him his coat. </p><p>“I got most of the blood out of it, and sewed up a few of the larger rips, but it has definitely seen better days. I’d, uh, buy you a new one if you’d like, before it gets too cold.” </p><p>“Thank you, Beauregard. I’ll be alright.” </p><p>They both knew he was talking about more than just the coat. </p><p>“Great, good, okay. Breakfast? I’m hungry.” Beau took off, away from Caleb and the heavy emotions that sat between them. Nott looked once to Caleb before scurrying after her. Caleb took him time, gathering his things, checking his spell components and books, and, with a quick glance towards the closed door, rewrapping his arms. </p><p>Like the scar across his chest, the scars on his hands and across his forearms were pink and angry against his pale skin, this skin even paler, as he kept it wrapped so much of the time. He traced the scars. Perhaps if he had a more poetic mind, he could say they looked like lightning bolts or the outline of flames, but to him they were just scars. A reminder of what he gave in return for power, each one a reminder of the sins he had committed. </p><p>He quickly finished rewrapping his hands. </p><p>Downstairs, the rest of the Mighty Nein gathered, munching on breakfast. There was a space open for him in between Beau and Nott, and a bowl of eggs and gruel was lightly steaming there waiting for him. He caught Mollymauk’s eye as he sat and gave him a brief and grateful nod. The party ate in relative silence, each lost to their own thoughts. </p><p>“So, the plan for today,” Fjord started, “The Schusters are going to be meeting us on the outskirts of town this afternoon, ‘bout three o’clock. We’re going to need health potions if we can, clothes for Caleb, food for the road, and maybe see if we can’t get some heavier blankets. Looks like snow will be coming in as we head up North.” </p><p>“It’s just past nine, now, ja? So, we can split up and meet back here at one or so? I’d like to look for books as well if possible.”</p><p>“I’m going with Caleb,” Nott said, his stalwart friend. He smiled at her. </p><p>“Me too,” said Beau, “We’ll get clothes and books. If anyone wants something along those lines, let’s get a list going. Jester, Fjord, health potions? Mollymauk, Yasha, food and camping gear?” </p><p>“Sounds doable. Yasha, darling, you up for it?” </p><p>Yasha nodded, mouth full of food. Fjord and Jester exchanged a look. Fjord spoke, “Alright, sounds like we all got our assignments. Who’s taking Kiri?”</p><p>“Us,” Beau and Jester said out the same time. Beau followed up with “Boulder, parchment, shears?” </p><p>“Ok!” </p><p>Caleb spaced out of the conversation and focused on eating. His chest hurt; unsurprising, he was impaled, and it seemed that his heart always hurt worse after he got injured. It would fade; it always did, until it was just another low-level discomfort, and Caleb had more than a few of those. He kept eating. </p><p>Nott nudged him, and he nudged her back, snapping Frumpkin into her lap. Frumpkin gave Nott a big lick up the side of her face. Nott giggled, giving soft pets to the cat. </p><p>“Caleb.” Beau whacked the table, lightly. She and the others had begun standing and gathering their belongings. “You done? Ready to go?”</p><p>“Ja, ja, I am done. We can go.” He pushed his half-finished gruel to the side and stood. Nott stood with him, slipping her hand into his. He gave it a small squeeze. Together, with Beau they walked into the chilly, winter day. </p><p>At the bookstore, Caleb managed to haggle for a book about the myths and legends surrounding the Greying Wildlands and the northern part of Wildemount. Many were already familiar to Caleb, reminding him of stories from his childhood, but many were new, stories of ice monsters and things that lurk deep in the woods. Beau also bought a book, a smut novel about a dwarven girl who worked in a castle’s forge and pined for the elven princess.  Caleb got to skim the first few pages, and it was not half bad. </p><p>When they exited the shop, Beau pulled him aside, into an alley.</p><p>“Listen, I just … I wanted to say that I know that you lied last night. About your heart healing itself. And if there’s like anything I can do to help, just let me know, okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine, Beauregard.” </p><p>“We both know that’s not true. Listen, I care about you or whatever. I don’t want you to be hurting if I can help it, okay? You get it better than the rest of them. The whole Empire nonsense and the human fuckery, you get it, okay? I don’t have a lot of people in my life who understand me and my shit, so you’re not allowed to die. I will punch you back to life if that is what it takes, understand?” </p><p>“I don’t think that’s how resurrection works, but I understand, Beauregard. My feelings towards you are … much the same. I value you and your opinions. I will promise you that I will do my best to stay alive if you will promise me the same.” </p><p>Beau paused for a moment. She looked at Caleb and then away. She sighed. </p><p>“Most of my life has been planned by other people, and I have spent a lot of time running from them. I enjoy not having a plan. But, yeah, the not dying plan, I can get on board with that.” </p><p>“Good, good. You and me and not dying, what a good plan.” </p><p>“Can I ask you a favor though? Can we keep each other straight?” </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Like if we see each other going dark, doing bad shit, we’ll stop each other, right? I like helping people; it feels good. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be a bad person, and I figure you don’t want to be a bad person either, so we’ll look out for each other. We can be each other’s fail-safes?” </p><p>“That is a good idea, Beauregard.” </p><p>“I mean I do want to hurt people, just people that deserve it, not people that I like. And that thing with the bowl, it was, well, bad, but it was good that we were fighting each other like that, ya know? Looking out for each other. So, we just keep doing that shit.” </p><p>“We keep each other straight, ja, ok.” </p><p>“Well, I’ll never be fully straight, ay-yo.” Beau pointed finger guns at him. </p><p>“I think everyone who meets you knows that. But, yes neither of us can ever be straight, so we will be good instead. Ja? Okay.” Caleb left the alley, taking off in Nott’s direction. </p><p>“Wait, Caleb are you into dudes? Caleb!” Beau yelled after him, jogging to catch up. Caleb chuckled to himself but did not reply. </p><p>…</p><p>Leaving Kiri was a special kind of heartbreak. The little kenku was very sweet and a bright joy to be around. It was hard to leave her behind. The miles out of Hupperdook were quiet ones, filled with the occasional animal noise or muffled sniff of tears repressed. Yasha sat with Caleb and Nott in the cart, while Jester, Fjord, Beau and Mollymauk took the horses. Hours passed in this way. Each person consumed by their own thoughts. Caleb felt Yasha’s eyes on him a few times, quick glances before her eyes went back to the road as she drove the cart. </p><p>“Caleb,” Yasha said finally in her soft and gentle way, “I am sorry about what happened to you.” </p><p>“Thank you. It’s, well, it is not fine, but I am used to it.” </p><p>Yasha glanced at their friends and said in Celestial, “Just because we are used to pain does not mean it does not still hurt.” </p><p>“Yes, I suppose that is true,” Caleb responded in kind. They sat in the quiet together. Caleb asked, “Are you planning on leaving again?”</p><p>Yasha looked to the sky. The heavy grey clouds threatened snow, but not storms. </p><p>“No, no, I think I’ll be around for a while this time.” </p><p>“Good. It is nice to have you around.”</p><p>“You all are nice to be around.” </p><p>They share a soft smile, surrounded as they are by their friends. Yasha shifts in her seat, drawing a little closer to Caleb. </p><p>“I bought you a present.”</p><p>“Oh, I didn’t get you anything.”</p><p>“It is a shaving kit. You seemed to like being clean-shaven before, so now, even when I am not here, you can do it.” </p><p>“Thank you, Yasha, but I, um, I don’t actually know how to shave.” </p><p>“Oh. I can teach you, if you’d like.”</p><p>“That would be very kind of you, Yasha. Perhaps, I can teach you some magic in return.”</p><p>“I would like that.” </p><p>“Okay.” </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>They once more lapsed into quiet contemplation, as the cold countryside passed by. A winter’s wind seemed to follow their steps, and the road was hard underneath their wagon wheels. </p><p>…</p><p>Caleb had many bad days in his life. Hells, he had terrible years, eleven of them in an asylum with only his broken memories to keep his company. </p><p>But, waking up with his new companions gone, blood on the ground, Yasha’s sword just lying there, that was a new sort of awful. With Jester and Fjord gone, there was no one to keep them from their own heartbreaks. Mollymauk lost his jokes and jabs, now that his charm was taken. Beauregard barely held in her rage; her fist shook. Nott and Caleb, they were good at compartmentalizing, but Nott was drinking more. </p><p>Caleb was just quiet. Yasha’s gift, the shaving kit, felt heavy in his pocket. He placed a hand on Beauregard’s shoulder and grabbed Nott’s hand with his own. He looked Mollymauk in the eye. </p><p>“We go to Shady Creek Run.  We find who took them, and we get them back, ja? Good, okay, let’s go.” </p><p>Nott, Mollymauk, and Beauregard packed in silence, loading their gear onto the horses and leaving the cart behind; it would be faster to travel that way. Beauregard studied the dodecahedron accepting the mote of possibility. Mollymauk strapped Magician’s Judge to his horse with great care. Caleb took the time to transform Frumpkin into an owl, giving his familiar better eyesight over long distances and the ability to fly. He sent Frumpkin into the sky; as the ground was mostly flat, he could see a trio of wagons moving slowly along, maybe ten miles ahead of them. Caleb returned to himself and relayed the message.</p><p>“If the Shepherds have your friends, you’ll need to catch them before they get back to the Nest,” came a voice. Beau whirled around, staff at the ready. Mollymauk drew both swords. </p><p>The figure raised their hands. They were dwarven and in full armor. Across their back was a large hammer and an axe was tucked in their belt. </p><p>“Woah, now! I’m no friend to the Shepherds. I came to offer my help. I’ve been tracking them for a while, trying to figure out the right time to strike,” the dwarf explained, “My name is Keg.” </p><p>“Why should we trust you, Keg?” Beauregard asked. </p><p>“I had a friend who was taken by them, same as you. ‘Cept my friend died, and I’m looking for revenge.” </p><p>The Mighty Nein, what remains, looked at each other. Mollymauk shrugged. </p><p>“Good enough for me. Welcome to the Mighty Nein,” he says. </p><p>“…But there’s only four of you.” </p><p>…</p><p>The plan was relatively simple. Put the guards to sleep, get their friends out from the cages, and run like hell. Beau and Nott were on cage duty, while Molly, Keg, and Caleb were watching from the shadows, ready to support if necessary. </p><p>Through Frumpkin’s eyes, Caleb watched, as Nott and Beau made their way around the campsite, getting into position. He let a small handful of sand drift to the ground, pushing the Sleep spell onto the three guards still awake. Slowly, they all yawned and drifted away to sleep. He pulled out the copper wire. </p><p>“Nott, you and Beau can go. Stay quiet. Stay safe.” </p><p>Caleb could not hear or see Beau and Nott approach the caravan, which was a good sign but made Caleb’s heart beat speed up none the less. There were so many things that could go wrong with this plan, and Caleb really did not want to lose any more friends. </p><p>Deep in the surrounding woods, some insect chittered. A bird took flight. Still, the group of slavers slept on. </p><p>“Caleb, there’s magic on the locks. You can reply to this message.” Nott’s voice was tinted by fear and a slight hint of desperation. </p><p>“Do you see our friends? I will come Dispel Magic.” Caleb patted Mollymauk on the back. “They have magic locks. Stay here. Nott or I will message if we need you.” </p><p>Mollymauk nodded, and Caleb crept towards the carts, preparing Dispel Magic. The darkness cloaked him, and he was able to approach the carts. He could see Beau’s blue scarf sticking out from the illusion of goods.  He approached next to her. She jolted but kept quiet. Under the illusion, Caleb could see the row of cages, but none of them held his friends. </p><p>“Where are our friends?” he whispered. </p><p>“Nott is checking the other cages. We might as well get these people out too though.” </p><p>Cupping the spell in one hand, Caleb focused on all the locks letting the magic seep into them and finding the arcane locks that held them shut. With a quick jerk of his hand, like he was tearing the lock off its hinges, he let the spell loose. The locks did not spring open, but there was no more magic keeping them close. Both Beau and Caleb pulled out thieves’ tools. The clicks as the locks opened sounded like small explosions in the night. Caleb got Beau’s attention and nodded towards the other carts. She nodded back, and Caleb snuck towards the other cart. </p><p>Caleb stepped on a twig, and an echoing crack went through the air. </p><p>“Wazit?” One of the Iron Shepherds had awoken. Caleb froze. </p><p>“Is someone there?” the same person asked. Caleb couldn’t see them, but he could hear the sound of something metal being picked up and the shuffling of people being awoken. This was bad. </p><p>Caleb pulled out his copper wire and whispered, “Nott, toss me your flask, get Beau, and go. I’ll distract them.” </p><p>“I’m not leaving you,” Nott replied, but her flask flew through the air into Caleb’s hands.  </p><p>“What was that light?” one of the Shepherds asked. Caleb doused himself in booze and took a large swig, letting the alcohol sit in his mouth for a moment before swallow. Then, he walked towards the slavers’ fire. He let himself stumble more, tripping over his feet, a drunk out in the woods. </p><p>“I found you!” Caleb slurred as he entered the sphere of firelight. He giggled, drawing all eyes towards him. He takes another swig from Nott’s flask. “You know… I—I – I, I forgot what I meant to say.” </p><p>“Who the fuck are you?” A halfling with a crossbow asked. </p><p>“Oh, the Mighty Nein, the mightiest of Nein, never say die,” Caleb sung out, drunkenly. He kept his head down and allowed himself to see and hear through Frumpkin’s owl senses. There were seven of them, including Lorenzo, the leader of them all, who was awake and leaning against a large glaive. Caleb stumbled in his direction, as he pulled his awareness back to himself.</p><p>“Who the fuck are the Mighty Nein?” the human barbarian moved towards him. Caleb tripped and tumbled forward, away from her and landing near Lorenzo’s feet. Looking up at the tall man, Caleb could see his gold teeth shining in the firelight.  </p><p>“Meine Fruende, the Mighty Nein sind meine Fruende.” Caleb pushed himself up off the ground. He was very close to Lorenzo. </p><p>“What is one out of nine doing all alone on the Glory Run Road?” Lorenzo asked.</p><p>“You, you—you took my friends away.” Caleb let out a belch right into the big man’s face. “That wasn’t very nice. You’re a mean p—person. Rude.” </p><p>Lorenzo laughed. “Yes, I suppose that was rather rude of me to take your friends and leave you alone. Rather stupid of you to try to find them. Come, would you like to see your friends again? You can join them.” </p><p>“I’m not—” Caleb hiccupped again and took an empty pull from Nott’s flask. This was perhaps the dumbest thing he will ever get the chance to do. His hands grew hot. “I’m not alone, and I am not stupid, Lorenzo.” </p><p>And with that he tackled the slaver and released fire from his hands. As they tumbled to the ground, Caleb could feel the flames flick around the other man’s body and attempt to spread across the frozen ground. Some flames licked up his own chest and near his face, but he had no worry about himself. </p><p>Caleb only had hope that the others would be okay. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>dun dun dun ...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. spit it out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Caleb woke with a gasp, and immediately he tasted copper and dirt. He thought he had cotton mouth but realized there was actual fabric in his mouth instead. He blinked his eyes open, dirt scattering against his cheekbones. He couldn’t see anything. He closed his eyes and reached out with his other senses. Whatever cloth covered his face covered the rest of his body; he could feel the soft fabric with his fingertips. He could smell wet dirt surrounding him and felt the heavy pressure of it on top of him. </p><p>He was in a grave. His grave. </p><p>Caleb remembered the wet slice of the glaive, as it pushed through his chest. Beauregard yelled, maybe. Nott hissed? His last moments of consciousness were murky, like his memories were a smoke-filled room. </p><p>His fingers crackled with sparks. Caleb took a slow breath, bringing himself back to the present. There was no point in just lying around.  </p><p> He could move his arms and legs, luckily enough, and his jostling shifted the dirt above him. It was a shallow grave. It took him a moment to realize he was clutching something in his left hand. A clay cat’s paw. In the dark beneath the dirt, he left out a soft chuckle. Grasping the cat’s paw, he focused on the dirt above him, imaging it as a paw that lifted up and off of him coming to rest next to him. </p><p>The weight lifted from his chest. Caleb opened his eyes. </p><p>The white light of a winter’s morning filtered through the silver fabric he was wrapped in. Mollymauk had wrapped Caleb in his tapestry of the Platinum Dragon, a burial shroud. He pulled the fabric away from his face and blinked into the snowy sun. Its light was near blinding after the dark of the grave. Caleb pulled himself out of the grave and was struck by cold. His jacket and spellbooks were gone. His – Mollymauk’s shirt was basically gone with the gaping hole in the chest and the amount of blood soaked into the fabric. There was a blue scarf around his neck, Beauregard’s, that she normally wore around her waist. He wrapped the smooth blue fabric around his neck. The wind blew again. </p><p>Caleb Widogast picked up the tapestry from his grave, resettled the dirt over it, and began the long walk to Shady Creek Run. </p><p>…</p><p>“I am Caleb Widogast of the Mighty Nein, and I am looking for Ophelia Mardun on behalf of the Gentleman. I am Caleb Widogast of the Mighty Nein, and I am looking for Ophelia Mardun. I am… Caleb Widogast … the Mighty Nein… Ich bin Caleb Widogast der Mighty Nein und Ich muss Ophelia Mardun sehen im Namen der Gentleman… Ich bin Caleb Widogast der Mighty Nein und… und.. und Ich muss Ophelia Mardun sehen.”</p><p> He was so tired, but the words kept him awake.</p><p> He had to find his friends. He just wanted to go back to sleep. </p><p>It was so cold.</p><p>“I am Caleb Widogast. Ich bin Caleb Widogast. I need—”</p><p>A pair of hands touched his shoulders; he wanted to jerk away but he was so tired. </p><p>“Shh, mein Freund. Du bist sicher. Ich werde dich zu ihr bringen. Du bist sicher. Jetzt ruhen.” The soft Zemnian washed over him. It almost sounded like his father’s voice. Maybe, he was actually dead. At least he wouldn’t have to walk anymore. </p><p>Maybe the pain would finally be gone. </p><p>… </p><p>Caleb woke up to grey walls. He sat up. He was clothed, though his shirt had been changed and his arm wraps were gone. His pants were at least the same. His face and torso had been washed. The bed he was lying on was firm, and the sheets were warm and soft in a muted green. Beauregard’s scarf laid on the nightstand. Light strained behind the dark curtains over the windows.  He rubbed the last of sleep from his eyes. </p><p>“Guten morgen, Herr Widogast. It is good to see you awake again.” A grey tiefling stood in the doorway of his room wearing a dark red coat with large golden epaulets. She spoke again in Zemnian. “Perhaps, now you can tell me why you were wondering around nearly frozen on the Glory Run Road saying you need to speak to me. You are lucky your friends have already passed through or I would have let you freeze on my doorstep.” </p><p>“I am Caleb Widogast of the Mighty Nein. We were sent to find you and help you with your problem on behalf of the Gentleman.” </p><p>“Yes, I know that. Your friends explained. Some of your friends have been taken, yes? By the Iron Shepherds. I sent the rest of your friends on to kill them. They seemed very eager to do so. Something about a friend dying.” Ophelia looked at him with a gaze that seemed to know exactly who had died. </p><p>“I died for a time. And then, I got better, yes? I am trying to reunite with my friends. Where are they?” </p><p>“Going after the Sour Nest, I imagine. They came through, oh, two days ago looking for my support. Which I gave of course. I want Lorenzo and his crew dead. But I cannot be too visibly involved.”</p><p>“So, you gave them nothing.”</p><p>“I gave them some advice.” </p><p>Caleb bit his lip so that he would not scoff. </p><p>“Thank you for your help, Miss Mardun,” he said, “And for the advice you gave my friends. It would be best if I go find them as soon as possible.” </p><p>“Of course, Mister Widogast. But even if I cannot visibly associate with you, I cannot leave an ally to go fight without a shirt or a jacket. I’m not completely without manners. Come.” </p><p>She beckoned him with a hand, and with little choice in the matter, Caleb followed using Beau’s scarf as a sort of wrap to at least attempt to cover his naked torso. As they exited the room he had been in, the guards at his doorway fell into step behind him. Ophelia led him to a large bedroom and crossed it to the closet door. She waved at the guards who posted at either side of the door before shutting the door entirely. Caleb was alone with her, as she began to rummage through the large closet. </p><p>“Come, sit on the bed, we’ll find you a coat and shirt. You are lucky that my brothers are thin like you.” She tossed a few shirts towards him, ranging in color from white to black, before returning with some jackets of varying styles. One was very familiar. </p><p>It was red, dark red, blood red, with burgundy leather panels on the front and back. Under the leather, were small pockets, just large enough to hold spell components. The basic fabric was a wool and silk woven blend; it was meant to be breathable but durable. Leather straps secured the jacket closed across the chest and one at the neck to close the short collar. The collar had to closed when they met with Master Ikithon; it was a sign of respect. </p><p>Ophelia chuckled as he traced the leather with his fingers. </p><p>“Yes, an assassin came, oh, six months ago to kill me wearing that jacket. She was good, but not good enough. I think the blood came out rather well. Don’t you?” </p><p>“Yes, the jackets were made so that the blood would blend into the red. If someone was sent to kill you wearing this jacket, you have some powerful enemies indeed.” </p><p>“I have enemies everywhere. Come now, try this shirt.” Ophelia handed him a charcoal-colored shirt with a high collar and a lace up front with silver and gold thread detailing. Admittedly, he looked rather good, and he could tell it was high quality. Ophelia clicked her tongue. </p><p>“No, not right. Here try this.” Caleb slipped on the shirt she handed him. It was a deep indigo that strayed into being a dark purple. Although the color emphasized how pale he was, his red hair and blue eyes stood out all the more. In his open collar, his Y-shaped scar stood out. Ophelia hummed. </p><p>“Yes, that’s good. It will look nice with that scarf. Do you want to wear that jacket you were looking at earlier?” </p><p>Caleb picked up the Scourger jacket again. It was a long time since he wore a jacket like this one. He was a different person then, full of purpose and belief and a sense of power. People fell before him, either in adoration, fear, or flame. Bren had been powerful in this jacket. </p><p>“Do you have a knife?” he asked. Ophelia nodded and pulled out a dagger from under her jacket. He placed the tip to the red fabric and pushed in. With a few tugs, the sleeves fell away. He slipped on the vest. His hands did not tremble, as he latched the straps into place. Looking in the mirror, he did not look much like Bren Aldric Ermendrud, Volstrucker, but he did not look much like Caleb Widogast, hobo wizard, either. </p><p>“Here.” Ophelia handed him a jacket. A similar military style to hers, it had no epaulets, but well-constructed shoulders with leather accents and bronze buttons gave it heft and weight. As Caleb slipped it on, he found quite a few pockets and could tell that his spellbooks would fit underneath without too much fiddling once he got them back. </p><p>“You look delicious, Mister Widogast. Quite the picture. I might have to ask our mutual friend if I can borrow you for some after this is all over. I have a feeling you have very dexterous hands,” Ophelia nearly purred in his ear. </p><p>Looking in the mirror, he did cut an imposing figure, all dark fabric, leather, and strong shoulders. Caleb wrapped Beauregard’s scarf around his neck. The bright blue stood out but also brought out his eyes. He was almost surprised at the anger he found within them. Staring into his own eyes, Caleb found a hatred he rarely directed at anyone beside himself burning out of them. Hatred for the Iron Shepherds for taking his friends, hatred for the Empire for allowing slavery to continue, hatred for the Gentleman for sending them on this job, hatred towards the man that killed him, he allowed the hatred to flow through him, and he felt his hands grow warm. </p><p>“Do you have any licorice?” Caleb turned from the mirror, ready for a war.</p><p>…</p><p>From the back of the Mardun estate, it was only two hours on foot to the Sour Nest.  Caleb made it quickly through the undergrowth. He did not bother with being quiet until he was able to see the front gates. Which were wide open. </p><p>The Mighty Nein must already be inside. Without bothering to stealth, he strode through the open doors towards the sounds of fighting. He followed the sounds into the basement, stepping over bodies on the way. None of them had been his friends. Soon, the sound grew louder, and he could distinguish Beau’s yells and Mollymauk’s Infernal yells. </p><p>Caleb crept up on the fighting in the basement and looked around the battlefield. Nott was nowhere to be seen. Shakaste and two unknown Firbolgs stood with him towards the back, casting at will. Beauregard, Mollymauk, and Keg were all up close with a large blue creature. Beau wore his jacket, though it seemed she cut the sleeves off to allow greater freedom of movement. As the creature swiped at her with its glaive, she retaliated with two hits from her staff. </p><p>“Fuck.” Whack. “You.” Whack. “Lorenzo,” She cried, her face both angry and heartbroken underneath all the blood. </p><p>Lorenzo was the creature; his human form had only been a disguise, and this blue monstrosity was his true form. That insufferable smug smile had stayed though, and Caleb felt his simmering rage begin to boil. He stuck the licorice root in his mouth and sauntered forward into the dim basement light. Wordlessly, he focused on Beau, and pushed the Haste spell to infuse her body with more power. Her head whipped towards him. </p><p>“Guten Tag, Arschgesicht.” All heads turned towards him. Caleb curled his hands into fists by his sides. Lorenzo growled. </p><p>“I thought I killed you, little wizard.” </p><p>“I got better. You won’t be so lucky.” </p><p>Beau took the temporary distraction to hit the Oni twice, one clearly stunning him, allowing Mollymauk to slice a chunk out of his side. A crossbow bolt appeared in his neck.  </p><p>And from across the basement, while maintaining eye contact, Caleb lifted his two middle fingers up and sent a Fire Bolt towards Lorenzo. He watched him burn. </p><p>The cold fury Caleb felt iced him away from the flood of memories that threaten to overwhelm him. For the first time in a long time, the fire felt good. He would have a panic attack about it later, but for now, he sat down and watched the man who killed him burn.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm debating writing an epilogue, so comment if you want one. Comment if you liked the story; comment if you hated it. Just comment whatever you want.   </p><p>Also the massive-est of massive shoutouts to my wonderful beta reader, angelumcaedis on ao3 and @gracesilverness on twitter who has been helping me with all of my crit role works. They have given me sooooo much help in writing this; I could not have done this without them! Go love and support them! </p><p>also also, if u want to follow me on twitter, i'm @somnolentsloth there and @4horsesatetheworld on tumblr! come say hi!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>